Fear and Clarity

The month of July was a very scary month for my husband and me with my encounter with a medical emergency. To touch briefly on it, I needed my gallbladder removed. As my surgeon was so quick to point out “Your gallbladder was inflamed, scarred and the most diseased I have seen in a few years.” Needless to say my husband and my parents were very upset with me for not going to my doctor sooner for a checkup. Anyways, I survived and I am all better now.

Before any surgery, you are taken into a pre-op area where you are prepped for the surgical team. The room is unbelievably cold; the nursing staff though kind is dispassionate and detached. The room inspires nothing but self pity, sadness and fear of the unknown. I was alone in pre-op for about half an hour before my husband found me. I was utterly alone, lost in my thoughts and I had a moment of intense, gut wrenching, heartbreaking fear and a moment of bright clarity.

I was so afraid, laying there by myself, surrounded by people but by myself nonetheless. I was not afraid of the pain, for I had anesthesia, or even afraid of dying. I have come to understand my own mortality and I have a deep belief of the afterlife and the continuation of my existence. I was afraid of leaving Mark, afraid of losing all of my hopes for our future, afraid of losing the true and sincere love we both had been waiting so long for.
So there I was silently crying, when my husband walks in and it was like he brought a bright light with him. He was so strong and reassuring that everything was going to be fine. I have never had such a deep appreciation for another human being as I did in that moment for Mark. The ensuing days and weeks after my surgery I saw a new side to my husband. He does not like the sight of blood, and my scars were all stitched up, red, and angry looking. He never once hesitated to help me when I needed it, never grimaced or looked disgusted with what he saw. On the contrary his love and attraction for me was so evident, my husband helped me feel like a beautiful woman again.

Marriage is an act of faith, faith that the other person will uphold their vows of fidelity and love, faith in oneself to do the same for our spouse. This kind of faith requires a strong, loving, kind, generous heart, a virtuous soul and a willing spirit. I know that anything worth having in this life and the next requires hard work and faith. I have faith that my husband and I will do everything within our powers fulfill all the hopes we have for our marriage and when we begin to lag, we know that God will step in and help us.

It is so incredibly sad to me to see the way society diminishes marriage and family. Values are perceived as something trite and archaic to be mocked and ridiculed. The media is the worst offender at projecting this concept. The sudden and vicious focus on people’s lives such as recent tabloid fodder of the possible breakup of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith marriage, the circus and ridicule made of weddings and the marriage ceremony such as Kim Kardashians recent nuptials, the mocking of moments when love should be beginning between two people such as on the Bachelor, all play a part in the breakdown of values in society. The future of humanity is bleak indeed.
I am so grateful that I have a family of my own with a man who appreciates me, our faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the good, decent, common sense and logic germinated in me by my parents.

Perhaps every new couple should have a close brush with mortality, so they can appreciate each other.